This is not easy to write. But it is important for you to read.
My goal is make sure not one more girl walks through those doors and is treated the way I was treated.
I met him at a party. It was long past 2:00 a.m. I am not sure how I ended up in this room alone with him. I don’t know him but my friend does.
I lean over the arm of the couch and see her sitting at the kitchen table. Talking. She’s still here and I’m okay.
He was sitting too close to me, staring with big, drug-fueled eyes. We were chatting for about 15 minutes when he offered me a job. In case you don’t know, if someone offers you a job knowing nothing about you except the way you look, you should probably say “no”. I know that now.
I went to work at Canoe and Paddle a few months after unexpectedly losing a member of my family. It was a very hard time for me and I was completely lost. I was depressed and spent day after day laying in bed. I have always been very future and goal oriented, but none of my goals mattered to me anymore. I drank wine alone and counted down the minutes to when I could fall back asleep and drift away. I remember wishing that I never had to wake up again. Never having to wonder if I just had a bad dream again only for the dark reality to come into focus.
I knew I needed to get back to “normal.” My parents were worried. They didn’t deserve to worry about me.
The night I met him he told me the names of other girls who worked for him. Girls that I knew from growing up in Lakefield. These were the type of girls I wanted to surround myself with.
I went in for training and instantly loved it. He was at every shift. He spent the whole day sitting at the bar talking to me. Coming behind the bar to pour himself a beer, standing too close, whispering in my ear, reaching around me, “accidentally” touching my arm or my back. Asking me to hangout after work. “Come for a drink.”
“Sorry I cant.” “I would have no way to get home”
After “no” the text messages would start. And wouldn’t stop for many hours. “Are you sure you don’t want to come?” “Its not too late to come.” “please come.”
I know when someone wants to sleep with me. I am not stupid. I was in survival mode and getting through the day was my only goal.
Work was going well.
But I made a mistake.
“don’t worry love, those customers are assholes anyways.”
I was feeling more and more anxious. The sad way everyone looked at me made me feel like garbage. It was hard to act normal. It was hard to joke around. People want to be served beer by “fun” girls and I didn’t have it in me to put on the show.
I needed to get out of Lakefield.
I told him that I was sorry but I had to give my notice. He was surprisingly (or not so surprisingly) nice. “please come to our staff party before you go” “if you return to Lakefield you can come back to us.” I was so grateful for that. As a server, it is important to maintain positive relationships with employers.
At first I was not going to go to the party, but the girls that had worked with me, and trained me and made me feel so welcomed were excited about it. I wanted to spend time with them before I left town.
There were a lot of people there. I was nervous. He was on me. Whispering, touching my hand. Free shots. Free drugs. This wasn’t me, but I could be the fun girl. I could just float away.
More shots, the room is spinning. The voices fade and there is nothing.
Am I still in the restaurant or am I in a house? Whose house could I be in? I am facing a wall. dark wood. Sticky smell. I’m in the women’s bathroom at the restaurant. How did I get here? He is here. He’s on me. Did I say something to put myself here? Hot alcohol breath on my neck. Its too hot in here and he is grabbing me. His hands are on my pants.
We are having sex. I am still. He is moving. I close my eyes. My back slips and my head hits the wood. I open my eyes and I am spinning. This does not feel good. I want to drift away.
There is a sound in the next stall. I look up. There is a face I don’t know. I close my eyes.
Where are the girls? I need out.
I don’t know what to say
I don’t know what to say
I don’t know what to say
“I think I’m going to be sick”
He tries to kiss me. I lean away. I almost fall.
“I have to leave”
Run out the door, do up my pants. lean on the wall. The restaurant is empty. Where is everyone? Where are the girls? What the fuck am I doing here alone? Quite.
He comes out of the bathroom. Everyone is at the hotel. What fucking hotel? We are in Lakefield. It clicks.
The Loon.
“Okay lets go.”
I follow behind him. I am shivering. I am not cold. My thighs hurt. I hope the girls will be there when we arrive. I feel a hot tear roll down my cheek.
Get it together. You drank too much. You shouldn’t do that. You need to have more control over yourself. You probably said something. You probably said yes.
We get to the hotel and I am back with the girls. I smile. I laugh. I float. I keep drinking and try to forget. He avoids me at the hotel. I am relieved.
The next few days, I am disgusted with myself. I must have done something for this to happen. This must have been my fault. I do not speak to him again.
No.
It is not my fault.
I didn’t ask for shots. They were put in my hand.
I didn’t want to do drugs. There was a hand rubbing my back telling me to have fun.
He knew I was depressed. He knew I was vulnerable.
I did not do anything to deserve this. I am not stupid. I am not a slut. I am not easy and I am not a careless drunk who got what she asked for.
I am a girl who was groomed for weeks.
I am a girl who was put in a position I should have never been put in by someone in a position of power over me.
I did not deserve this.
I am not the only one.
I should have said something sooner.